Feh
by Shinnypichu88
Summary: Long ago, in a galaxy far, far, away...


**Feh: A Star Wars Story.**

* * *

_A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far, away..._

_There was a period of civil war._

_Rebel spaceships, striking from a hidden base, had won their first victory against an evil Galactic Empire._

_Their spies had managed to steal secret plans to the Empire's ultimate weapon, the Death Star, during the battle._

_The Death Star was an armored space station with enough power to destroy an entire planet!_

_However, The Rebel spies now had it's weakness in the palm of their hands._

_Pursued by the Empire's sinister agents, a Princess races home aboard her star ship, custodian of the stolen plans that can save her people and restore freedom to the galaxy..._

_Or so it would seem._

* * *

**Episode 1: A New Hope!**

* * *

The planet of Tatooine emerges from a total eclipse, her two moons glow against the darkness. Suddenly, a tiny silver spacecraft, a Rebel Blockade Runner, flies by, firing lasers at an Imperial Star Destroyer. However, the Star Destroyer isn't taking that lying down and fires hundreds of deadly laser bolts back at the tiny vessel, causing the ship's main reactor reactor reactor to disintegrate.

The rebels are dead in the water.

"Did you hear that? They've shut down the main reactor's reactor. We'll be destroyed for sure. This is madness!" a small robot owl cried. An explosion rocks the ship as two robots, Kiran & Feh, struggle to make their way through the shaking, bouncing, passageway. Both robots are old and battered. Kiran is a hooded trashcan with wheels and a rather generic face. Feh on the other hand is a golden humanoid looking machine with an Owl for a head.

"We're doomed!" Feh cries as Generic Units rush past the duo and take up positions in the main passageway. They aim their bows toward the door.

Kiran rolls away. It had a secret mission after all!

"Kiran where are you going!" Feh cries "I should have known better than to trust the logic of a trash can with wheels..." the machine mutters to itself as it runs off after it's little friend. Just in time too as at that moment the door the Generic Unit's were aiming at explodes.

And in rush more Generic Units.

An epic battle ensues.

So epic in fact that everyone dies.

The petite Dark Lord of the Sith enters from the ashes and takes in the sight of the dead. Useless, every single one of them. Suddenly she hears a groan. Ah! A survivor.

"Where are those transmissions you intercepted?" the Dark Lord asked the survivor. To his credit the Generic Bow Knight played dead. She frowned. At this rate she wouldn't get the chance to explo-! I mean, investigate the Blockade Runner.

_Sigh_

It couldn't be helped.

Lifting the man with the force, she asked him her question again "What have you done with those plans!"

The man, struggling from the lack of air, chocked out a meek "We intercepted no transmissions. Aaah... This is a consular ship. Were on a diplomatic mission."

"Lies!" The Dark Lord screamed. Unfortunately in her fury, she accidentally used to much of her power and broke the Bow Knights neck.

She pouted.

This wouldn't do at all, if she couldn't find those plans the Emperor would be most displeased.

More Generic Units flooded the passageway.

Rebel Scum.

"I know you have those plans, I saw this ship leave Scarif's airspace not even an hour ago!" She cried, the Generic Units, all Bow Knights, ignored her and opened fire.

She stopped their Arrows mid-air and returned them.

Naturally, every single arrow found a new home, and the Rebel's were killed with ease.

It was then that her own Bow Knights entered the scene.

"My Lord, the Death Star plans are not in the main computer."

"How could you possibly know that?!"

"They had them on a Thumb Drive remember? No one uses Thumb Drives anymore."

"I don't care, search the ship!"

The commanding unit grumbled, "Yes sir." before they headed off to search the ships computers for the stolen Death Star plans.

The Dark Lord squealed. Now she'd be able to explore the ship AND recover those stolen battle plans. How exciting!

Suddenly, a thought occurred. "Commander, bring me the Ambassador too. I want her alive!" Her commander nodded, his order's clear.

With all that out of the way Darth Ylgr skipped down the hall, passing by the dead bodies of her enemies, as she went about exploring the Blockade Runner.

Meanwhile, another commander was making plans of her own.

"Make sure this reaches her, she's my only hope!"

Kiran nodded, he would not fail!

"There she is! Set weapon's to kill!" A Sword Knight ordered, as if he could set a double edged sword for anything but.

"Wait, Darth Ylgr the Small want's her alive!" Another Generic Unit argued.

"Set for Stun." A Bow Knight coolly answered, and let his arrow fly, shooting the fleeing princess in the back.

The units watched her hit the floor.

An awkward silence followed.

"..."

"Dude!"

"Oh My God!"

"Holy shit, you killed her!"

"What do we do!? Darth Ylgr will be most displeased!"

"Hold on a tick!" The Bow Knight approached the body and, to his horror, realized the truth.

"She's no princess, THIS IS A MAN!" He cried

"NANI?!" Indeed, the body was not that of the princess they were looking for, but of a hulking, hideous looking, man child sporting a sick scar on his left eye.

"Then the real princess must still be out there."

"Indeed."

"You could say that the princess is in anther castle!"

"..."

The Generic Unit was beaten to death for his crimes.

"Still, what do we do about the body?" the Sword Knight asked

"Same thing we do with every body, stuff it in an escape pod and launch it into space. You know how Lord Ylgr loves that shit." the Bow Knight answered. Suddenly they noticed shuffling in the distance, and caught sight of a tint of pink.

"IT'S HER, IT'S THE PRINCESS!" Sword Knight yelled, giving chase

"STOP HER, LORD YLGR WANTS HER ALIVE!" Bow Knight followed suit, as did many other generic units upon hearing their cries for assistance.

With their attention lax, it was no problem for Kiran and Feh to sneak aboard an escape pod and make a quiet exit into space.

"What do you mean her majesties sacrifice won't be forgotten!?" Feh asked once they were on route to the desert planet bellow.

"..."

"Of course she'll be fine, as far as that brute is concerned she just attacked a diplomatic envoy! The senate won't take kindly to this kind of brutality, no sir they won't!"

Despite what his friend was saying, Kiran wasn't to sure. After all, Darth Ylgr had seen the ship steal the plans in the first place. Nevertheless, the princess had trusted him with their new hope. He wouldn't let her sacrifice be in vain!

"There goes another one." A Generic Unit manning one of the cannons aboard the Imperial Star Destroyer muttered.

"There are no life forms on board. It must have been short circuited." the Generic Unit's captain muttered from behind "Open Fire, you know how Lord Ylgr feels about duds."

"Aye, aye, captain!"

This was the day the light died.

Not at the hands of a god of death, but by the blaster bolt of an Imperial Star Destroyer.

**-FeH-**

"Lord Ylgr the Small, I should have known. Only you could be so bold. The Imperial Senate will not sit by for this, when they hear you've attacked a diplomatic..."

"Don't play games with me, Rebel Scum! You weren't on any mercy mission this time. You passed directly through a restricted system, broke into an imperial facility, and made off with classified documents. Several transmissions were beamed to this ship by Rebel spies. I want to know what happened to the plans they delivered to you."

"I don't know what you're talking about. I'm a member of the Imperial Senate on a diplomatic mission to Alderaan..."

"Liar! I have the bodies on my ship to prove it!" The small child shot back, it was actually rather amusing to watch the two go at it. "You're a part of the Rebel Alliance... and a traitor. Take her away!"

The Generic Units holding her captive turned their heads to each other, turned to Darth Ylgr, and then turned their heads back to the princess.

Darth Ylgr sighed in annoyance.

"Lock her in a broom closet, I don't care!" The Units nodded and dragged the former princess away.

A Generic Unit, one with an actual name, turned to the dark lord and said, "Holding her is dangerous. If word of this gets out, it could generate sympathy for the Rebellion in the senate."

"Sympathy? I've traced the Rebel spies to her. We have footage of her ship leaving the Scarif system, we have the bodies of the men she left behind, we even have logs that show how long we followed their ship. She is my only link to find the secret base of those naughty terrorists, I will not be denied!"

"She'll die before she tells you anything."

Ylgr turned to the commander and smiled "Inform the senate that the Princess of Alderaan, Laevatein, was captured after betraying the empire. Make sure to also send them the proof, the fact that she's still alive is all we really need to keep Alderaan in line."

"Understood." The Commander, the Generic Unit's name, nodded and left to accomplish his orders like a good sheep should.

Darth Ylgr sighed. Being a Dark Lord of the Sith was such a thankless job. The Blockade Runner wasn't even that interesting, all things considered. Suffice to say, she was rather cranky. It didn't help that she hadn't had her afternoon nap either.

"Lord Ylgr, the battle station plans are not aboard this ship, and no transmissions were made. Several escape pods were jettisoned during the fighting, but no life forms were aboard."

"She must have hidden the plans in one of the escape pods. Send a detachment team to retrieve them. See to it personally, Second Commander. There'll be no one to stop us this time."

"About that..." The Second Commander began, only to wet himself in fear upon feeling the full force of Darth Ylgr's puffy face of doom. "I'm afraid that a rookie destroyed one of the escape pods sir... The derbies have fallen onto the planet."

"Tch. Retrieve every last one of them!" Ylgr ordered "And someone bring me my Lunchables, it's snack time!"

Suddenly, Darth Ylgr's phone began to ring.

"What now?" answering the call, she was greeted with the face of the emperor's brightest rising star, Grand Moff Bruno.

Suddenly, a though occurred.

"Grand Moff, I think I just had an epiphany!" Darth Ylgr informed, not giving the Grand Moff a chance to speak.

This decision would spell the end of this ridiculous nightmare.

**-FeH-**

**"**Until this battle station is fully operational we are vulnerable. The Rebel Alliance is too well equipped. They're more dangerous than you realize." A Generic Unit said matter of factually "The Rebellion will continue to gain a support in the Imperial Senate as long as..."

The Important looking Generic Unit is cut off as suddenly all heads turn to see the Grand Moff Bruno, governor of the Imperial outland regions, enters the conference room. He is followed by his powerful ally, the Sith Lord, Darth Ylgr the Small. All of the Generic Units stand and bow before the evil-looking governor as he takes his place at the head of the table. The Dark Lord stands behind him.

However, due to her height, the most people could see was the tip of her black crown.

"The Imperial Senate will no longer be of any concern to us." The Grand Moff said, acting like there was nothing out of the ordinary in that room.

"That's impossible!" A Generic Unit cried out, but this point Darth Ylgr had begun to munch on a pork bun she'd hidden under her dark sleeve.

"You'd be surprised how compliant the bureaucracy can be when you reveal a traitor in their midst." Bruno said "As for the stragglers, Fear will keep them in line. Fear of this battle station." He finished, the station in question being the Death Star they were currently on. He had brought it to the system on Darth Ylgr's request.

The Dark Lord in question was currently drinking some orange juice out of a sippy cup, to wash down her pork bun.

"And what of the Rebellion? If the Rebels have obtained a complete technical readout of this station, it is possible, however unlikely, that they might find a weakness and exploit it!"

At this, Darth Ylgr spoke up "The plans you refer to will soon no longer matter."

"Okay, seriously, who is this small child!"

The Generic Unit was killed for his insolence.

"How goes the interrogation?" Bruno asked, referring to the confined princess.

"She's surprisingly stubborn, but we can find the base of those terrorists later, I brought you here to kill two birds with one stone!"

"I see, then perhaps she would respond to an alternative form of persuasion."

"We can kill two birds with one stone"

"Indeed we can Ylgr, Indeed we can."

The two villains laughed as the remaining Generic Units in the room just fidgeted around nervously.

**-FeH-**

"Governor Bruno, I should have expected to find you holding Ylgr's leash. I recognized your foul stench when I was brought on board." Princess Laevatein spat upon seeing the man and his dog. Ylgr was, funnily enough, wearing a child Leash Harness.

"Charming to the last. You don't know how hard I found it signing the order to terminate your life." Bruno muttered.

However, it would seem like Laevatein heard him because she responded, "I'm surprised you had the courage to take the responsibility yourself!"

Bruno chuckled, Ylgr had long sense fallen asleep, and said "Princess Laevatein, before your execution I would like you to be my guest at the ceremony that will make this battle station operational." Laevatein stiffened but Bruno continued "No star system will dare terrorize the Emperor now."

"The more you tighten your grip, Bruno, the more star systems will slip through your fingers."

"Spare me your worthless prattle. In a way, you have determined the choice of the planet that'll be destroyed first. Since you are reluctant to provide us with the location of the Rebel base, I have chosen to test this station's destructive power... on the last known location of the stolen Death Star plans!"

"What?! No! You can't possibly..."

"You would prefer another target? A military target? Then name the system!" Bruno demanded "I grow tired of asking this. So it'll be the last time. Where is the Rebel base?"

"..."

"Silent until the bitter end I see." Snapping his fingers, the fate of the galaxy was sealed.

A farm boy looked up at the sky just in time to see a green light descend from the heavens. Tatooine was no more.

Princess Laevatein was anguished. All those Generic Units, died for nothing.

"Oh, by the way you're free to go.

"Wha-?"

This entire episode had been for nothing.

**-FeH-**

Kiran awoke with a jolt to the sight of blue.

"..."

"..."

"Hey Fjorm..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"Yes?"

"Why did I just dream about Star Wars?"

"..."

"Second question, and a bit more important, why are we sharing a sleeping bag?"

* * *

_The End._


End file.
